I stand here broken, dejected, alone,
I thought I’d finally found a person to call my own.
I truly put my heart on the line,
Yet now I feel a heartbreak so very hard to define.
When we first met it felt different, unique.
Yet now my soul is impossibly bleak.
I felt it all the trust, the lust, the pain,
Resounding, compounding in my head like an endless
refrain.
Part of me believed we were of the same accord,
Yet I fell hopelessly, irretrievably in love with none
of the reward.
If only my body were more agile,
Perhaps you would have been more inclined to hold me a
while.
If only my body had been created stronger,
Perhaps you would tell me a problem and feel sad no
longer.
I hate how my CP gets in the way
Of many an activity both night and day
Going from nightclub A to nightclub B
Is something of an obstacle course when you are with
me
I sometimes wonder when friends show care
If they would really rather, I wasn’t there
This all-consuming irritation
Is emblematic
of the instant gratification generation.
Where we seek pleasure in the quickest time
Anyone who hinders this is out of line.
I hate how long simple tasks take
Fun evenings out can seem something of a ball ache.
I wonder if I’m the blunder, stopping people having
fun
Like that one
rainy grey cloud eclipsing the sun.
I also muse if I’m a massive interference to those
that raised me – aka my parents
Yet they’ve never outwardly berated or complained
Doing their best to ensure the happiest of homes is
maintained.
Yet I’m sure I’ve caused them much strife
By the restrictions I have placed on their life.
I’ve always hated my disability and how it makes me
stand out
Yet, you saw the person beyond the chair, what I was
truly about
You boldly stepped up, where a true friend did not
treat me like a flower.
And its because of this that I so desperately wish
Our hilarious excursions, our vulnerable heart to
hearts
Lasted forever not mere hours.
Personable, passionate, hilarious, arty
Gentle yet fun-loving the life of the party .
I did dream of you at night in bed
It’s hard to believe you’re not some fairy tale prince
I’ve made up in my head.
I often question how it has not unfurled
That everyone does not adore you along with the
Hemsworth’s,
Elba’s and Effron’s of the world.
Nevertheless, you have a girl on your arm
And I remain in a sorrowful balm.
I’ve never met the girl who won your heart
She’s probably just like you; attractive, astute,
resolute
in being kind to others and into art.
She’s probably someone I’d love to befriend
even though I love you too this isn’t like some romcom
where
the beautiful girl with an ugly heart is exposed by
movies end.
I tried to suppress my feelings at first, I thought it
wasn’t worth believing,
and yet I soon realized that I couldn’t not be in love
any more than one can stop breathing.
What I was feeling was childlike fodder, the stuff of
fairy tales from long ago,
nonsensical
word vomit, sweaty palms, but then loves raw and unyielding
confusion hit me like a blow.
I was definitely in love wished we could be like ties
that bind
Sometimes you nearly drive me out of my mind.
What I wouldn’t give to have you hold me in your arms
To have you really look at me and have it resonate
that you have zero qualms
About my body and me exactly as they are.
To have you hold me, talk with me, love me, caress me
and adore me
Until we see the morning’s first star.
But you clearly don’t view me that way
It makes my heart feel deathly cold
Why won’t you love the way I want
Be courageous in your feelings, be bold
Why is it taking everything I have not to kiss you?
If you thought the same this would not be an issue.
Yet you still see me as just a dear friend.
Sometimes
these feelings get so messy
The noise is so loud I struggle to comprehend.
Life as it is all I want is you,
Yet even if it only took a fraction of time
to carry out my most desired actions,
It would devastate your girlfriend too.
I’m not a home wrecker can’t let three lives implode
So, though this is the hardest thing my heart can
bear.
We have to say to goodbye forever
Go down our separate roads.
Its clear your lover is good
She has the best intentions at heart
And I need to learn to love my body and self so much
more
Quieten negative voices and make a fresh start.
Just because we didn’t pan out
Does not mean I wouldn’t be a perfect match
For one of the 7 billion people in the world
The right guy will realize that I am quite the catch
And I will be able to hold him up too
Just as she is a confident cheerleader, supporter to
you
I hope to God, she never deliberately hurts you, takes
you for granted
Endlessly appreciates, celebrates the astonishing gift
of the man
she has been handed.
So now as I stand here forever changed by you
Internally my heart continues to bleed
I try not to cry but whisper good bye
I’m sorry I’m not what you need
