Not What You Need

 

I stand here broken, dejected, alone,

I thought I’d finally found a person to call my own.

I truly put my heart on the line,

Yet now I feel a heartbreak so very hard to define.

 

When we first met it felt different, unique.

Yet now my soul is impossibly bleak.

I felt it all the trust, the lust, the pain,

Resounding, compounding in my head like an endless refrain.

Part of me believed we were of the same accord,

Yet I fell hopelessly, irretrievably in love with none of the reward.

 

If only my body were more agile,

Perhaps you would have been more inclined to hold me a while.

If only my body had been created stronger,

Perhaps you would tell me a problem and feel sad no longer.

 

I hate how my CP gets in the way

Of many an activity both night and day    

Going from nightclub A to nightclub B

Is something of an obstacle course when you are with me

 

I sometimes wonder when friends show care

If they would really rather, I wasn’t there

This all-consuming irritation

 Is emblematic of the instant gratification generation.

Where we seek pleasure in the quickest time

Anyone who hinders this is out of line.

I hate how long simple tasks take

Fun evenings out can seem something of a ball ache.

I wonder if I’m the blunder, stopping people having fun

 Like that one rainy grey cloud eclipsing the sun.

 

I also muse if I’m a massive interference to those that raised me – aka my parents

Yet they’ve never outwardly berated or complained

Doing their best to ensure the happiest of homes is maintained.

Yet I’m sure I’ve caused them much strife

By the restrictions I have placed on their life.

 

I’ve always hated my disability and how it makes me stand out

Yet, you saw the person beyond the chair, what I was truly about

You boldly stepped up, where a true friend did not treat me like a flower.

And its because of this that I so desperately wish

Our hilarious excursions, our vulnerable heart to hearts

Lasted forever not mere hours.

 

Personable, passionate, hilarious, arty

Gentle yet fun-loving the life of the party    .

I did dream of you at night in bed

It’s hard to believe you’re not some fairy tale prince I’ve made up in my head.

 

I often question how it has not unfurled

That everyone does not adore you along with the Hemsworth’s,

Elba’s and Effron’s of the world.

Nevertheless, you have a girl on your arm

And I remain in a sorrowful balm.

 

 

I’ve never met the girl who won your heart

She’s probably just like you; attractive, astute, resolute

in being kind to others and into art.

She’s probably someone I’d love to befriend

even though I love you too this isn’t like some romcom where

the beautiful girl with an ugly heart is exposed by movies end.

 

I tried to suppress my feelings at first, I thought it wasn’t worth believing,

and yet I soon realized that I couldn’t not be in love

any more than one can stop breathing.

What I was feeling was childlike fodder, the stuff of fairy tales from long ago,

 nonsensical word vomit, sweaty palms, but then loves raw and unyielding  

confusion hit me like a blow.

 

I was definitely in love wished we could be like ties that bind

Sometimes you nearly drive me out of my mind.

What I wouldn’t give to have you hold me in your arms

To have you really look at me and have it resonate that you have zero qualms

About my body and me exactly as they are.

 

To have you hold me, talk with me, love me, caress me and adore me  

Until we see the morning’s first star.

But you clearly don’t view me that way

It makes my heart feel deathly cold

Why won’t you love the way I want

Be courageous in your feelings, be bold

Why is it taking everything I have not to kiss you?

If you thought the same this would not be an issue.

Yet you still see me as just a dear friend.

                                    Sometimes these feelings get so messy

The noise is so loud I struggle to comprehend.

 

Life as it is all I want is you,

Yet even if it only took a fraction of time

to carry out my most desired actions,

It would devastate your girlfriend too.

I’m not a home wrecker can’t let three lives implode

So, though this is the hardest thing my heart can bear.

We have to say to goodbye forever

Go down our separate roads.

 

Its clear your lover is good

She has the best intentions at heart

And I need to learn to love my body and self so much more

Quieten negative voices and make a fresh start.

Just because we didn’t pan out

Does not mean I wouldn’t be a perfect match

For one of the 7 billion people in the world

The right guy will realize that I am quite the catch

And I will be able to hold him up too

Just as she is a confident cheerleader, supporter to you

I hope to God, she never deliberately hurts you, takes you for granted

Endlessly appreciates, celebrates the astonishing gift of the man

she has been handed.

So now as I stand here forever changed by you

Internally my heart continues to bleed

I try not to cry but whisper good bye

I’m sorry I’m not what you need